I *hate* golf.

I bow to no-one, no-one, in my utter despair at those that either play golf endlessly, thinking that it is a sport, or those that watch the “game” on TV for hour after endless hour, or, as in most people I know who are hooked by the addiction of smacking little white balls into the bush, and then driving round in dinky electric carts looking for them, doing both.

I have people that I would still call friends, despite their obviously incurable affliction (fortunately not contagious, however hard they try to convert you - and they do!) who will rise early, “get a few rounds in” before it gets too hot/rains, then spend the evening watching some asinine contest of similarly minded, but professionally overpaid, people do the same, whilst totally absorbed in the minutiae of whether that stroke was “a bit off” or “curving over to the left” or whatever nonsense they utter. This does not make for socially entertaining evenings, friends. I don’t give a fuck if it is the “Masters” or whatever Tiger is doing (which seems to be winning, mainly - so…what, exactly?)

Therefore I offer this link (Ha, so subtle pun….lol) for those like minded souls.

Oh, and if anyone needs me over the next few days, I will be staying at a *golf resort* for reasons that escape even me. What I do to accommodate others….

How much can you hate golf on TV? 

I can walk away from the TV for an hour, do something constructive, return, and the scoremight have changed by one shot (it’s actually called a “stroke” but I don’t want to go out of my way to invite crass comments). 

But this weekend it’s Tiger Woods (#1) vs. Vijay Singh (#2). As of the end of the day on Friday Tiger led Vijay by one shot. This is the one on one matchup we have waited for all year. 

And as far as it being a boring sport, if you don’t play it don’t bother reading any further. Seriously, just stop right now. If you read any more I assume you want to hear my opinion on why golf is exciting. 

Take a high scoring game like basketball. Two or three hours, maybe 100 points scored on each side, and if you’re lucky it goes into overtime and one team wins by one or two points. 

Now look at golf. Four 18 hole rounds over four days. Each round takes four hours to play - sixteen hours of play for each player. 

Of course you don’t watch all sixteen hours (I don’t even watch sixteen hours), but then you come down to the final round on Sunday. By the time it comes on TV there are only two or three hours left (much like a basketball game, except that someone already has a two or three shot lead). 

Now let’s translate basketball “points” into golf “strokes”. A basketball game, as we observed, is won with about 100 points with a margin of victory of about 5 points. A golf tournament is won with about 270 shots with a margin of victory of 1-3 shots. The margin of victory often comes down to the last two or three holes. And it’s not just two teams, its 70 individuals. 

If you don’t like golf you should have taken my advice and stopped reading when I told you to. If you read this far you know why I think golf is more exciting than chess or watching paint dry. 

I should have mentioned, televised golf is much better if you have an ample supply of alcoholic beverages. 

Next installment - Golf playoffs! Extra holes equals more liquor!